Today’s daily prompt, entitled “Audience of One”, instructs one to “picture the one person in the world you really wish were reading your blog. Write him or her a letter.”
Although you’re no longer of this world, you are the only specific person I could think of, who I would really want to read my blog.
You died when I was 23, before I ever had the chance to show you the decent individual I would one day become.
When you died, I was still in the early stages of accepting my homosexuality. I had attempted suicide just a month before your death, believing that the world would be better off without me. My attempt to end my life was largely based on the teachings of the Mormon church, of which we were members, and the then-held belief within the church that homosexuality was a sin second only to the shedding of innocent blood. I now know that homosexuality is not a choice. I can choose/control my actions in this world, but I cannot choose my sexual orientation.
When you died, I was extremely immature. At the age of 23, I had the emotional maturity of a 12 or 13-year-old. The abuse I sustained as a child, at the hands of E—- had stunted my emotional growth to the point that I had become a 23-year-old walking around with the common sense and reasoning skills which are normally possessed by an individual who was much younger than myself.
When you died, I had a really bad case of entitlement-itis. I know now that this selfish attitude was based on the fact that I had not yet grown up. Because of my lost childhood, I was still so far behind other people of my own age. It took me until the age of 30 to reach a point where I felt mature enough to call myself an adult. So, the entitlement of which I felt so deserving, was selfishly rooted in the fact that I felt I had been robbed of my childhood and felt incapable of making it on my own.
When you died, I had no idea what it was to be an individual. I had lived my life, up to that point, being a human robot. I had mimicked other people’s behavior because I didn’t have the ability to be an individual and I did what I was told, because that’s what one is supposed to do. And if nobody was around to tell me what to do, I did what I thought I was supposed to do to get by in the world, still acting much like a child in my day-to-day life. I had not yet learned how to become opinionated, to love myself, to follow my dreams, or even to create my dreams. At the age of 23, I simply desired to be rich. I didn’t know how I could possibly get there, but the getting there isn’t what I wanted — I just wanted to be there, by-passing all of the work.
When you died, I had no time for anybody, but myself. I didn’t know how to give to other people, how to give to those less fortunate or how to view the world from a different perspective. I had no idea what it meant to sacrifice and I didn’t care to know because I would have much preferred if others had sacrificed for me.
In a nutshell, when you died, I was an awkward, selfish, self-absorbed and immature human being who still had years of growing up to do. I really wasn’t a young adult of whom you could truly be proud.
So, as I mentioned in the beginning of this letter, I am probably breaking the rules of this daily prompt by writing to you, as you are no longer “in the world”, but I can think of no one else who I would want to read my blog more than you.
You weren’t here to see me grow up, to see me come to terms with my sexuality, to see me heal from the childhood abuse or to see me become a loving, caring, opinionated woman. I’m sure the few entries I’ve shared here since launching this blog yesterday, along with the light-hearted nature of the posts on my other blog, Dee-lightful Musings of an Old Country Woman, would show you that I have made it.
Yes, Mom, I finally made it!
I’m not rich, as I had once desired — in fact, I have gone in the opposite direction by adopting a frugal, self-sufficient life. But I’ve learned that money is just a thing which can make life more comfortable, but should never be lusted after. And I’ve learned that most of the things one can buy with money are usually just things with no real value.
I’ve also learned that giving of one’s self to others who need a helping hand, actually benefits the giver more than it does the receiver because it feeds the soul.
I’ve learned to shun the majority of the materialistic things in life, realizing that life is not about how much stuff one is able to accumulate, but rather, how much one grows as a human being.
I’ve learned to form opinions and to have opinions. I’ve learned that being opinionated does not make me less of a woman, but actually makes me more of an individual.
I’ve learned so many things, Mom! I wish you could have been here to see me develop, but God had other plans for you.
I have no doubt that at this point in my life, you would be very proud of the woman your daughter has become. And I also have no doubt that you would have, at the very least, accepted my sexual orientation. You might have never gotten to the point of embracing the issue, but I do think it would have become irrelevant, as my sexual orientation does not define who I am, just as yours did not define who you were.
I also have no doubt that if you were still here, we would have grown to be the best of friends. I’m sorry we both missed this and I wish things could have been different, but it is what it is.
I love you!